This past weekend, I had the Pleasure of visiting New York City. It is literally as they say, the city that NEVER sleeps. My friends and I like to celebrate milestones, from time to time. Whether we celebrate a new job promotion, an engagement or marriage, a new home, or the passing of another year, we like to mark the moment by doing something new and exciting together. So, NEW YORK CITY, in November 2024 was THE destination to see and do.

First, let me start off by saying this. I love to travel. I love to see new and exciting places. I’m a foodie at heart and I love to eat. I love to meet new people and experience culture different than my own….. and… I love to challenge myself to step outside my own comfort bubble to experience a side of the world that looks different than my own…. Dear Folx, let me say that NEW YORK CITY was the perfect city to experience this past weekend. I saw, I ate, I experienced, I made memories. and I even learned a new language. In less than three days, I learned how to communicate in a totally different language, dialect and all. I can even say that I’m proficient in it. No, It’s not a new LOVE LANGUAGE. Those are, Words of affirmation, gift giving, acts of service, physical touch and quality time. (Thank you Gary Chapman) There was no American Sign Language tutorial in NYC. I didn’t learn to read braille. And I didn’t learn Latin, although I would love to do that one day. What I did learn was how to master the language of NYC drivers by use of the automobile horn. I’m now fluent in it. Let me share a little about my experience.

Almost immediately after leaving the airport, I realized that NYC is a very busy and chaotic city. Who would have guessed it, right??? For a city that celebrates a pedestrian lifestyle, it seems as if EVERY New Yorker has a car. To this day, I don’t know where they park at night though. If they do park however, I’m willing to bet it would cost $65.00 a night, minimum. Do they hibernate underground until sunrise? Do they fade into the mist only to come back to life as the new day begins? One may never know…. Now, back to the cars. The car may have a wrinkled bumper. It may reek of “the devil’s lettuce” as it passes by, and it may have a half dozen parking decals and toll pass bar codes on it, but it will probably get you from point A to point B. Streets are narrow, people are many, cars are abundant, and the hustle and bustle of NYC never slows down, OMG!!!! Poor little naive me. Quickly, I discovered that New Yorkers seem to have their own way of communicating while driving. It’s their own special language. There is no waving of hands or pointing of middle fingers, as we do in the South. None of that screaming and cursing, as (Insert that special person’s name here) sometimes does. They use that wonderful device in the middle of the steering wheel to communicate. The most wonderful invention known to mankind, the car horn.

Now, here are a few of the lessons I picked up on REAL FAST. The number, length and repetition of the horn honks seems to describe the emotions and feelings of the driver. One short “honk” means “do you see me?” It could also be a greeting just to say “Hey!!!” or as we say in the South. HOWSYERMAMANEM. I’ll translate that for all you NON-SOUTHERNERS. It means “How is your Mama and all her Folks/ the family a/k/a THEM.” Two short “honks” of the horn immediately afterwards means, “I see you.” Three or more “honks” in rapid succession means you probably committed a severe crime and should be forced to eat frozen microwaveable Totino’s pizza or take your picture in front of one of those Times Square video screens at midnight. Now, on to the direst of horn “honks.” The constant and extremely long and embarrassing horn honk. A horn, honked whether the car is in motion or not, lasting more than 3 to 5 seconds designates that the driver is extremely disappointed in you. This is the worst of horn honks. This is usually a “last chance” honk. It is used sparingly, and it generally means very bad things are about to happen unless someone gets educated very fast. In reality, the world will literally stand still until the matter has been resolved to the driver’s satisfaction. If you don’t believe me, then try standing 12 inches out into the street as a rapidly moving car bears down on you and then you realize you have nowhere to go. You hear a horn start to honk, and it DOESN’T stop. It seems to last forever. You freeze in place and likely start saying your prayers. You forget how the 23rd Psalm begins, and you start belching out the words to the Star-Spangled Banner or the Pledge of Allegiance. You are confused, overwhelmed and about to soil your underpants. You literally have nowhere to run to and nowhere to find safety. Shoulders around you are pressing hard, and you are as they say, “stuck….”. S#!T is about to happen……..Things around you feel as if they are moving in

S L O W M O T I O N

and then miraculously, the crowd seems to part just enough for you to take a single step backwards. Safety, at last. Eventually, the horn stops, the car whizzes by and life seems to move on, even if your heart seems to have skipped a beat or seven. You just avoided a mass casualty event. Mass because several of your closest pedestrian friends would have gotten all dirtied by whatever flew off the hood of that car had you made contact (probably you or your bag, skateboard, grocery cart, or the 99-cent pizza slice you just purchased) and the ambulance would probably need to be called. BUT You survive. Thats the bad and ugly of pedestrian life in NYC, at least from a Southern Guys perspective. Are you picking up what I’m dropping here? I hope so, cause it’s time to see if you are listening.

POP Quiz: You come to an intersection and see the Green Walk icon is lit up. Now is your time to shine and make good life choices. What do you do? Here are your options. You, A– Walk into and across the intersection with assuredness and confidence and never look back. B– Wait until other pedestrians decide to walk cross the street and then follow them, C.- Look both ways to confirm it is safe and then proceed if it is. or D– Turn and go in a completely different direction because you almost wet yourself when you saw all those aggressive NYC drivers. ANXIETY LEVEL 100….. Which would you choose? The answer is not the one most Folx think. It’s NOT Option C. If you selected option C, you would be wrong. WRONG you say? Yes, WRONG. Of course, it only it takes a moment to pause and look both ways to make sure the coast is clear but, in that time, you would probably be mowed down and trampled by at least 376 other people behind you who were just trying to cross the intersection. Most of your new friends were watching the WALK sign. They didn’t see you pause. Yuck…. You just got trampled. The same goes for option B, for the same reasons. ….and option D is really wrong. If this is you please do us all a favor and just stay home. UBER Eats and WALMART now deliver and that means you never have to leave your home ever again. So, the BEST and MOST correct answer is option A. Be courageous. Read the intersection before you get there and be prepared to do it once you get there. Of course, if the RED DON’T WALK light is lit up, then you probably should stop. Unless it’s a one-way street and you see no cars approaching from all 4 sides. If you do decide to cross on RED, then do it quickly though. Cars sneak up on you and you don’t want to get a long and embarrassing honk….

For the record, while I was in NYC, I never saw a single injured pedestrian, never saw a wrecked car, and never saw anyone pull out their Granddaddy’s long rifle to motivate anyone to step aside. BTW: that last one does happen in the South. In the South we know that Granddaddy’s long rifle speaks a language that only a Southerner or perhaps someone from Trenton, Webb, Ozark, or Philly can understand. To be honest, while in NYC this past weekend, I did have a few cars “honk” at me. Primarily to remind me that I wasn’t in the South anymore and suggest that I might need to step the PHUUK back. (Sorry for that purposefully misspelled verb) It was so sweet of them to concern themselves about my health, welfare, and safety.

Now here is the good and kind of NYC drivers. New York City drivers aren’t merciless. They mean you no harm. It’s true that you likely ONLY get ONE CHANCE to preserve life and limb before things may go bad. That’s a PLUS in my eyes. In the wild, the Lion doesn’t give the prey a warning before he eats it, does he??? If you visit NYC, be kind and understanding and know that you are a visitor. New Yorkers are some of the nicest folx you may ever meet.

And so, this past weekend I learned to communicate in a new language. While I can’t use it here in SE Alabama, I may soon try to use it in another large and bustling metropolitan community nearby such as Level Plains, Opp or New Brockton. I know practice makes perfect and I’m not ready to move up to the big leagues yet. In time, maybe, but for now I think I’ll play it safe and practice a bit around here. In the days ahead, if you see out driving, please show me some love. Give me a single 2 second horn honk. I’ll probably honk back twice, in rapid secession, and we will each be on our merry way. No hand or finger gestures needed. Granddaddy’s long rifle remains in its place between the seats of the pickup truck.

Thank you, once again, for giving me a little bit of your time today. Your kind words and support mean a great deal to me. Please LIKE, COMMENT, SUBSCRIBE, SHARE and do whatever you can to let other Folx know about this blog. I appreciate you. Happy Tuesday, Ya’ll. Joe From the South.